Finding a new normal

We’ve had a number of milestones to celebrate lately: Aiden has been home for three weeks, he is now a month old, and this past Tuesday would have been his due date. With these events behind me I feel like I can finally find a bit of objectivity to write an update.

The first week home was incredibly tough. Having two kiddies under one roof was much more of an adjustment than I anticipated. I spent most of it on the verge of panic, feeling as though someone had turned the speed on the treadmill up to max and that it was only a matter of time before I face-planted into the floor! Cameron and Aiden seemed to have such vastly different needs and I couldn’t fathom how I was going to find any sort of rhythm that somehow juggled both. This wasn’t helped by the fact that the brotherly love we’d anticipated just wasn’t there initially. Cameron wasn’t aggressive towards his brother, but any time I was with Aiden, he pumped up his attention seeking antics a few notches. This meant a high energy toddler throwing himself around the room, shouting ‘Look at me’ and resorting to physical violence (towards his mother) if that didn’t garner the required result. I had also forgotten just how exhausting the newborn phase is. Aiden has been struggling with bad cramps which hasn’t helped and I am averaging four hours of very broken sleep each night.

But somehow in the weeks since then we’ve all adjusted. Cameron is much more settled and starting to accept his brother. He very sweetly imitates Col by saying ‘Hello boy’, asks to hold Aiden occasionally and doesn’t get as stressed when his baby brother cries. He’s also protective of Aiden and gets upset if other people go near him ­­– evidenced by him shouting ‘No’ and pointing an accusing finger at the guilty party until he or she backs off!

I have been surprised by how I’ve adapted to the lack of sleep. While it takes me half an hour to wake up in the mornings (and I spend most of it wondering how on earth I’m going to get through the next hour, never mind the day), when I’m up and going I’m generally okay. My short-term memory is completely shot though and I’m doing a number of incredibly stupid things every day, but fortunately to no detrimental effects yet! I am also feeling much stronger physically which is a relief as I found the recovery from this c-section much harder and more painful than my previous one.

The passing of Aiden’s due date didn’t find me as contemplative as Cameron’s did, but I think that’s because I’ve had too much emotional baggage from Aiden’s last month in utero, birth and hospital stay to work through. I am just grateful that it has come and gone as we’ve now caught up to where we should have been and I know that soon the pressure of this phase will lift a bit.

Physically Aiden is doing really well, starting to put on weight and developing some lovely rolls. (This does lead me to think that while I’m disappointed I didn’t have the natural birth I was hoping for, when I look at the size of him now I’m just grateful I didn’t have to push him out of my lady parts!) Aside from the cramps, the only struggle in his life is second-child syndrome. Cameron is such a forceful personality and at such an attention seeking age, that poor Aiden is getting lost in the whirlwind a bit. But our tiny man has a big voice and is starting to use it with gusto.

Despite the chaos that is our life right now, I find myself in a contented and grateful space. I am really enjoying having a baby in the house, probably because I am so much more relaxed this time. In the absence of anxiety there is far more space for delight and appreciation. We have also decided that we won’t be having any more children and consequently I’m cherishing everything about Aiden so much more because I know I won’t experience this again.

And as for Colin … he’s burning the candle at both ends! Work is incredibly busy yet he’s putting in plenty of hours playing with Cameron and bonding with Aiden. The pace is taking its toll, and while I’m trying to ensure he gets good sleep, the man is exhausted. But December is not far away and in six weeks or so he can take a well-earned rest.

But now I must wrap up. Aiden is stirring and once I’ve fed him, it’s time for me to snatch what sleep I can! Until next time …

PicMonkey Collage

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An Aiden update

It’s been five long, long days since my last post. For the first three days of this week Aiden simply slept. All efforts to wake him up were fruitless. As a result we had no luck with breastfeeding. But there were lots of positives. Both of his drips were removed, as were all the sensors on his chest and tummy when he had his first bath on Wednesday. Which means all that’s left is the feeding tube and a sensor picking up his heart rate, but that one is moved from one foot to the other every three hours so is easily attached and removed. In addition, the volume of his feeds was steadily increased and by Thursday he was up to full feeds (50ml), even if they were all being given through the feeding tube.

Yesterday I arrived at 08:00 to find Aiden the most awake and alert that I’ve seen him. He breastfed well at 08:00 and lasted until 11:00 without needing a top up through the tube. This was a big breakthrough. He also fed at 20:00 so we managed two feeds in a day.

I managed to catch the paedatrician on his rounds and he also only had good news to deliver. He said that Aiden is doing wonderfully. As soon as he’s up to full feeds on the breast (eight a day) we can take him home. The doctor said this can happen in as little as two or three days but did warn me that little boys tend to take two steps forward and one step back, so to mentally prepare myself for a longer wait.

As for the rest of the family … Cameron has settled a bit more as the week goes on but had a major wobbly on Wednesday night as neither Col or I were there for bath and bedtime. He seems to be coming to terms with the reality of having a brother. We’ve been showing him photos and videos of Aiden and whenever I express milk at home he comes up and says, ‘Milkies, baby.’ He did the cutest thing yesterday – he found one of his teddies, said ‘Baby’ and then pretended to give it some milk. Next moment he popped the teddy down my T-shirt and said ‘Sleeping.’ Clearly all the photos of Col and I doing kangaroo care have made an impression!

As for the parents – we are running on fumes. I think this is largely because this stressful period has come on the back of a tiring month so we didn’t start out rested. We are finding balancing home and hospital utterly exhausting and to top it all, Col is incredibly busy at work (something we are very grateful for as it’s been a tough year for his practise). I don’t think either of us have ever been so tired in our lives.

We are handling our days on an hour-by-hour basis at the moment and eagerly await the day Aiden is discharged. The future holds plenty more interrupted sleep, but at least we’ll all be together and the logistical complications will be a thing of the past.